Terrible Dating Advice You Should Stop Giving
I remember being in a relationship, lending an ear to other people’s dating experiences, and not understanding why it was such a challenge. In a world of dating apps and multiple social media platforms, dating seemed easy. I would often reassure singles of this–reminding them of the many “options” they had. I would also throw in some generic advice in order to reassure their concerns. This was not at all good advice. I have learned that though the concept of dating is simple, it is not always easy. Now I find myself receiving the same terrible advice I once gave.
“Just be yourself.”
Let me just ruffle some feathers and say sometimes you should not be yourself. You should not change who you are at the core as a person(unless you’re just an awful person); but sometimes there are things that can be reformed. Whether it is internal or external, we can indeed become better versions of ourselves. As a friend or loved one, you may see a different version of the individual you’re offering advice to. You see the friend, cousin or co-worker, so you may not be that familiar with the version they present themselves as in a romantic relationship. So with that, you don’t know how they’re showing up to a significant other. You don’t see the people pleaser, the complainer, or the person with a bad temper. Telling someone to just be who they are, without possibly holding them accountable for certain behaviors, can potentially stunt the person’s growth.
“Just focus on yourself.”
Why not both? It’s okay to want a relationship and it’s okay to be intentional about having one. This may mean focusing on yourself while also dating, being more sociable, joining a dating app, asking loved ones to play cupid, or whatever tactic people tend to do when preparing for a new relationship. We are often encouraged to go after what we want, but when it comes to relationships, I noticed that people sometimes rather suggest the opposite. Telling someone to focus solely on themself instead of going after what they desire, is passive. Perhaps you truly do believe this person needs to focus only on themselves and not a relationship, as sometimes this is true. In that case, use discernment before suggesting that is what this person should really do.
“Just enjoy yourself.”
Dating can be enjoyable. It can be exciting, fun, refreshing, adventurous, heartening, and so much more goodness. On the other hand, dating can also be scary, intimidating, annoying, uncomfortable and even risky for some people. Basically, it ain’t fun all the time and it ain’t fun for all. Two individuals learning one another can be intense in itself. It’s so beautiful when everything goes ideal and those who once were strangers end up finding their groove, but this doesn’t always happen. That’s okay too. It’s just that telling someone to “just have fun” almost plays down the complexity of this process.
“Just love yourself.”
Is it bad to tell someone to love themself? It’s not–unless you’re just saying it to say anything, which I believe most times is the case. The idea of this is often said as a law of attraction tactic. While I firmly believe in the importance of loving one’s self, attracting “bad” people doesn’t mean it’s some spiritual sign you don’t love yourself. Continually accepting “bad” people into your life is a different story. Then there are people who offer this advice because they genuinely don’t think the person they’re offering advice to loves themself. They can base this off of certain actions or other factors; but how is true self love measured and how does that look in a person? I think this is a question one should reflect on before advising someone on self-love.
We tend to mean well with the people cared for, but these four common tips mentioned above can unintentionally invalidate or dismiss the experience of the person seeking advice. I myself am learning the importance of “chewing the meat and spitting out the bones’’ in most situations, so I don’t necessarily think the person giving advice is responsible for the actions made by the person receiving it. Yet still, our words hold weight to those who value our opinions. With that being said, this influence should be considered and our advice given genuinely.
